College!

Tomorrow night will be my first day of going back to college classes and this semester I have Women In American History on Tuesdays, which is tomorrow night, and I have an Intro to Sociology that doesn't start til October because it's an eight week class so for now I 'm just taking W.I.A.H. So that will be interesting. I hope my friends had a great first day of college.

So, I will post something later. TTYL!

Sky Watching

I was sitting outside tonight and I was thinking about why I like looking at the sky and why I like when it's twilight out. I know Twilight is a name of a very famous book, but Twilight is also a time of day. A transition from day to night. I love this time of day because The sky is still light blue and that color against the silhouette of the trees is beautiful. I was also thinking about the seasons and why I love the Fall and Winter seasons over Spring and Summer. I've always hated the heat. Never liked it in my life, well, except for when I'm curling up in my bed when it's cold at night. Yes, I do love the cold, but only to a certain extent. But I would rather it be always Fall or Winter weather than Spring or Summer weather. Sometimes I'm okay with being in the sun, but when it gets too hot for me, I can't stand the Summer sun. That's the real reason why I don't like living in California, but mostly Sacramento. When I was a child I never really cared about weather. I never noticed the seasons. All I ever cared about was living in the moment and having fun all the time. Now that I'm eighteen, I always think about my childhood and how oblivious and unaware of the world I was. When I sit outside at this time or at night looking at the moon and the stars, I feel peaceful. This the time that I really love being alone. It feels nice not having to be around people sometimes. I feel most peaceful when I'm either with my friends just hanging out or when I'm just alone looking at the sky.

Nobody's Home By Avril Lavigne

I couldn't tell you why she felt that way,
She felt it everyday.
And I couldn't help her,
I just watched her make the same mistakes again.

What's wrong, what's wrong now?
Too many, too many problems.
Don't know where she belongs, where she belongs.
She wants to go home, but nobody's home.
It's where she lies, broken inside.
With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes.
Broken inside.

Open your eyes and look outside, find the reasons why.
You've been rejected, and now you can't find what you left behind.
Be strong, be strong now.
Too many, too many problems.
Don't know where she belongs, where she belongs.
She wants to go home, but nobody's home.
It's where she lies, broken inside.
With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes.
Broken inside.

Her feelings she hides.
Her dreams she can't find.
She's losing her mind.
She's fallen behind.
She can't find her place.
She's losing her faith.
She's fallen from grace.
She's all over the place.
Yeah,oh

She wants to go home, but nobody's home.
It's where she lies, broken inside.
With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes.
Broken inside.

She's lost inside, lost inside...oh oh yeah
She's lost inside, lost inside...oh oh yeah


After listening to this song, i realized that this is basically how i feel on a regular every day basis. I never thought about it that way but this songs is how i can describe the way i feel.

Song

Soulmate By Natasha Bedingfield

Incompatible, it don't matter though
Cuz someone's bound to hear my cry
Speak out if you do
You're not easy to find
Is it possible Mr. Loveable
Is in my life?
Right in front of me
Or maybe you're in disguise
Who doesn't long for someone to hold
Who knows how to love you without being told
Somebody tell me why I'm on my own
If there's a soulmate for everyone
Here we are again, circles never end
How do I find the perfect fit
There's enough for everyone
But I'm still waiting in line
Most relationships seem so transitory
They're all good but not the permanent one.

I heard this song and I thought that I can identify the most with it and I feel the same way. I sort of connected with this song and feel that it kinda goes along with how I feel most of the time.

Angel Drawing

This my angel drawing I drew a week ago. I googled a picture of an angel to inspire this drawing.

Poem

Mistakes

A girl sits in her room.

She stares sadly at the black walls.

She wonders; she worries

About her future.

She regrets and thinks about,

Her past mistakes.

She feels sorry for,

The things she's done.

But her mother has

No faith in her anymore.

She cries all the time,

But the pain doesn't go.

She wishes she could

Take everything back

But to right her wrong,

Would be to never learn

Her lessons.

She wonders if life

Will get better.

She needs somewhere,

To belong.

She needs to find

A way to feel whole again.

The lies she never

Meant to tell.

Still makes her life hell.

She wants someone

To understand her.

She needs

Someone to understand.

Her mother

Makes her feel

Like she has no soul.

Makes her feel

So sick and unloved.

She wants so badly

To feel

Like a person.

Instead, she feels

Like a monster.

Her mother's eyes

So accusing,

So full of hate.

Is it possible

For a mother to hate her daughter?

Is it fair

To call her a liar?

To say she can't stand

Being near her?

Is that what

She deserves?

To be criticized

And treated

Like a criminal?

Is it right?

The mother

Doesn't understand

That the things she says

Hurts so deeply.

Cuts through

The skin,

And stabs the heart,

Like an arrow

Stinging with poison.

Is it possible

To cross

An unseen line

For her mother

To be so cruel?

I wrote this after a particularly awful "conversation" with my mother...

Life Sucks...A Lot.

I don't know how life got so hard to live through. I think about my past all the time and wonder why some things can't just go back to the way they were again. I wish that my family wasn't so dysfunctional. We don't get along like we should. My relationship with my mother is not good at all. I used to love my mother. But as the years have gone by, I've noticed that things have gone so downhill that I don't this family can make it back up.

My brother is an ass, and he hits me all the time and my parents have never stopped cussing even when i was really young. All my life, i always thought that everything was all good. I thought that my relationships with my family was okay. But the thing is, I've been lying to myself all these years. My mother's voice yelling at me in the past two months have showed me that nothing is okay, it's never just been okay.

I've been blind to the fact that there is no way this family can work. Our tempers, and our problems with each other show that really well. I never thought that my mom would ever hate me. I've always thought that if your mother really loves you, she would never say that your a spoiled, deceitful brat. I never thought that something I do would cause such a reaction.

Every holiday has been horrible as the years go by. The only holiday i enjoyed in 2009 was Halloween. Christmas was kind of a disaster because my mom found out about my F in guitar. She yelled at me and I yelled back. She was making everybody clean the house and my room was a little messy. i tried to clean up some of the things that shouldn't be lying around, but i had forgotten that stupid letter sent home addressed to my dad. She found when she had been cleaning out my desk.

My birthday party was fun, but my birthday day was horrid. I had forgotten my key, and my dad said he would leave the house unlocked for me, but the house wasn't unlocked. I was going to call my dad but I had a couple missed calls from my mom so I called her back and she was not happy. Apparently, I was supposed to keep my phone in my pocket so I could answer her call or whatever. So I was locked out of the house for a few hours.

Yeah, that's some of my boring stories of the craptastic times I've had.

Pics Of My Room!

This is my first pic of my bed. I love it!!!! It's a Twilight themed room, its so amazing. My mom picked out the bedding and pillows.


This second pic has the pillow that my mom got me for my eighteenth birthday. I love this pillow as well because it shows that I'm Team Switzerland.

Vampiregirl Stuck In A Rut

My mom has gone off the deep end yesterday. When she got home, she yelled at me and my brother about how we aren't following the schedule and she said she wanted to, and in her own words, "beat the living shit out both of you". And last night while i was in class she took out my TV, my brother's TV, our laptops, cellphones, and she told me that she was VERY disgusted with me. It hurt a lot. Then when i was trying to sleep, she was talking to dad and she said something about me being a loser, and my brother too. She said we were "loser kids". Iwas so upset last night i cried til i had a headache. I wasn't crying because she took the stuff away from us, i cried because of what she said to us. There were other things that she said to me that was so horrible. I don't know what to do. She also said she won't ever trust me. I see how serious she is and wish she would understand. There's nothing else i can say at this point.

St. Patrick's Day : )

Look, it's Jensen Ackles!!!!! ^
Happy St. Patrick's Day everyone!!!! It's funny, I totally forgot that it was today. I even forgot it was Wednesday!!! Lol. Anyways, Have a great day and to those of you who drink- Be careful, you never know when a lepperchaun might try to steal you away!!!!

Classes And Cats

Hey, I had class today and it was fun because we did some experiential observation stuff like those pictures where you see one thing when you look at it and someone else will see something totally different, like the picture/drawing of a bunny, but it can also look like a duck as well. We looked at the young woman/old lady picture, too. This girl next to me said she couldn't see the old lady at all. I had seen this picture so many times so i see both the old lady and the young woman.

I tried to explain to her how it could be the old woman, but she still couldn't see it. Even when the teacher explained how, she still couldn't. I wonder why she couldn't see it, y'know? but whatever, some people can't see that sorta thing. It doesn't make them stupid.

After those two, Mrs. Chow gave us another one but this one was waaaaaay harder. She told us to just look at the paper and try to figure it out on our own in silence. We could'nt ask for help. After about five minutes she tells us why and she explains what it was. It looked like two squares that had a whole bunch of weird lines and shapes, but if you angle it right, it has a hidden message. It was sooooo cool!

Later at home when it was, like, seven or eight there was this cat under my mom's car and the dogs were going nuts, I went out there to put the recyclables in the recycle can, I looked under the car and i saw the cat. I called it from under the car. It was soooooo adorable!!!! It was a one-eyed cat, but sooo cute. It was a tiny thing, and it think it was grey, very fuffy. It also looked like it was a stray.

My mom had me pick up the cat and walk it over to the next house over. I had to leave the poor thing on the doorstep. :(

Schedule?

Hey again! I've had a weird day. my mom got so fed up with how we've doing (or not doing) stuff around the house. so she created a schedule for me, my brother, and my dad. We all have jobs to do and chores. I saw my schedule and the first thing i thought was: damn, when am i going to be able to read!? Or listen to my ipod? I'm going to be hella busy.

I can understand why she did this. we all haven't been too helpful and we basically have no structure, before now. All i can say now is... she should have thought of this years ago. Then maybe we wouldn't be so lazy. Almost everyday, she whined and yelled at us to do something. Oh well at least if this 'schedule' works out then hallelujah. At least something works. Before she tried to get us on a good schedule with our diet plans by having me make a schedule but we didn't stick with it.

I wonder what's going to happen after all this happens. Will we change our ways and be better or are we just going to slowly get out of the schedule?

Back to what i was saying before about not having to go to school anymore. Um, i had a minor setback with my project that i was going to do. i was almost finished with it and i almost had all my hours done and i was supposed to graduate early but my English teacher said that my project was overlapping with my class. so he had me talk to the senior project coordinator and she listened to my problem, which was that i had only four days left until i had to turn in my portfolio and then do my senior boards, but the project i was previously doing was overlapping with my guitar class. my original project was to learn a Green Day song on my guitar. i thought that it was fine as long as i was using a song from a band, but apparently it wasn't allowed so i had to do something else. i couldn't get classes set up for my next semester because the way my first semester schedule was set up was to go with my leaving early anyway and it was too late to find classes to fill my next schedule so the senior project coordinator decided that i could leave early just as i'd planned, but i would continue with my project and graduate in May with everyone else. It's very freakin' complicated and i was a mess when i found out that i couldn't stay with my original thing. No doubt i was horribly pissed. Especially at the people who didn't check to see if my project was qualified so this kinda thing that happened to me wasn't supposed to happen in the first place. But oh well. At least i have more time to prepare for my 10 minute senior board. since i'm performing my song i get to talk for at least seven minutes and perform the song for three. which is better then talking for ten minutes straight. i think i'd lose my damn mind if i did that. I totally can't wait for the Senior Ball, its going to be soooo amazing!!!!! I gotta go, tune in for more l8tr!!!!!

Hey again. i was just practicing some chords on my guitar. i have this senior project that i have to do for school. it sucks big time, but i have to do it in order for me to graduate. Stupid school. Anyways, what I'm doing for my project is I'm going to learn how to write a song that is for guitars and I'm writing one of my own songs, then i will perform it to the judges in the middle of May. I sort of graduated early from my school so I don't actually have to go there, but it's a pain in the ass. gotta go.

Newgurl

Hi, i'm new to this blogging thing. sometimes i might not have a lot to say or write about so, yeah. that's it.